In a few days I will be the very happy owner of a new laptop! New to me, the laptop itself is actually second hand. I don’t care! This new present to myself is EXACTLY what I need right now, to get my writing back on track. At the moment I’m using my phone and my sons tablet to write on, and I just can’t get into the zone using them.
From a really young age I realised I enjoyed writing and knew it was something I wanted to do as an adult… yet I also realised, again from a really young age, that in order to write anything that I felt had any substance – I needed to be in emotional pain. I needed to feel the pain. Live inside it. As soon as the antidepressants I take daily now, started working, my writing started taking a nose dive, quality wise, and then eventually petered out totally. I’ve always had to made a conscious choice between staying mentally healthy, or at least on the edge of sanity – as healthy as I can be, between staying mentally safe and wallowing and disappearing into the depths of dispair. I know that sounds like a cliche, but it’s my reality.
It’s a daily fight to stay on top of the depression. A constant conscious effort to get up every morning, get washed and dressed, to eat, to breathe. Half of the depression is uncontrollable, no matter how much positive thinking I drum into my brain, there’s still chemicals painting black clouds on the walls of my mental interior. The darkest days come and go without warning and I just plod through them, doing my best to come out of them as quickly as possible. I have a child now, I cannot give up. I can’t stay in bed, I have to get on with life.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s great that I’m able to have some good days now. It’s a good thing that sadness and pain isn’t the only thing I feel any more. But it is still always there, it is still always a part of me, and I do still always feel the need to write. Writing about the pain always eases it somewhat, it makes it feel like it isn’t all for nothing. Like something good can come from it. But in order to really release it, to really get any benefit from it… I have to fully feel it. There is no running away from it any more, if I want to actually fix it. It’s the same reason I’m not seeing a therapist. It will have to get worse before it can get better, and I just don’t think I can afford that. I can’t.
All of that being said, I’m going to try. I’m going to try and write something worthwhile, something that might even help someone, somehow produce something without falling into the void. Without the darkness eating me and swallowing me whole. And I hope that having this new laptop will give me some inspiration! It’ll be here at the latest on Thursday, if I’m really lucky I might get it the day after tomorrow (Wednesday)!! So roll on the next few days! I’ve got a lot to do this week so this little present to myself is just the reward I need, I think!